Damariscotta Region Prepares for Pirate Invasion or Tsunami

Citizens of the Pemaquid Peninsula and specifically the Damariscotta/Newcastle Greater Metro area are hastily preparing their defenses for an apparent Pirate Raid or Rendezvous scheduled for their town this Saturday, June 11th sometime between 10 and 4. Although recent encounters in 2009 and 2010 resulted in no deaths, a couple of dropped ice cream cones, a few pathetic slaps and very little property damage, trying to predict what a bunch of bloodthirsty buccaneers are capable of after consuming several gallons of homemade grog is impossible.

Preparations have been under way for some time at the Newcastle Harbor House where cranes were being used today to fortify sections of the wall to withstand whatever size canon ball the pirates have in their possession. Last year the defense of the area was left to a small band of very brave but entirely ineffective militia who could not keep the voracious horde from ransacking the town. Probably because they were too busy eating BBQ provided by the good folks at the Newcastle Public House (who remind you that Wednesday night is Mug Club Night).

Up and down the peninsula the state workers have been erecting signs to help the local coastal population flee in the correct direction rather than being brutally assaulted by inebriated out-of-staters who arrive by boat. Although the State of Maine says that it is just Tsunami Prepardness, paid for with a grant from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, it must be noted that a Tsunami has not struck the coast of Maine, or more specifically the Pemaquid Peninsula, in recorded history. The same can not be said about pirate attacks. In 1632 the dread pirate Dixie Bull attacked the Pemaquid Settlement with three ships making off with 55 British pounds, a couple of wicked nice outboards (they wuz jest layin' theyah)t, several lobster pots (probably just caught up on the keel), 10 cases of Allen's Coffee Brandy and a carton of Newports. At the time settlers thought it was a delegation from Augusta but it did in fact turn out to be a pirate raid.

So hide your valuables, put on an eye patch (poke a hole in it so you can have some depth perception, don't want you to trip on my account), grab the kids, a fake sword and watch the pirates loot and plunder the town. It is, after all, just good clean fun.